I yearn to put on this cloak of apathy I’ve seen others wear. What do I do at this point? I just sat looking at the papers my students turn in (perhaps I should refer to them as the papers most of my students do not turn in). It is all so defeating. The few students who turn in work do such a poor job of it. Sometimes because they don’t care if I am able to read and grade it. Sometimes because they just have such low abilities that they don’t know how to read and write.
Did I ever mention that out of my thirty-two homeroom students, only two read at the appropriate eighth grade reading level? The other thirty read between second and fifth grade reading levels. By the way, most of my students have failed at least one year of school, if not two or three. These are kids that are supposed to be in high school.
How can I be expected to help anyone when I can’t really teach the way they need to be taught? I spend more time breaking up fights and dealing with arguments than I do teaching. To add to that, my paychecks really aren’t allowing me to have much of a life here. My rent is expensive, and then I have a cell phone bill and all the debts of college and my move up here. No money is being saved. I’m working at a job I really dislike and have nothing to show for it. My dad wants me to just move back home, but I don’t want to do that. I need to be more independent, and I need to struggle like other people have. I don’t want to have to slink back home and call everything a grand mistake.
I hear the first years after college are universally jarring. At least, they should be. I want to be back in school. I want to be surrounded by the people I love once again. I want to be the student and not the teacher.
I’m starting to feel sad.
