I live to spoil; and tonight I intend to possibly spoil the remake of King Kong. If you’re all that concerned about that, do not read anymore. This is the last time I’ll warn you.
So…I’m able to spoil Peter Jackson’s remake because Bobby got free tickets to the premiere tonight. We left the weekly staff development meeting early in order to wait in a long, cold line at the Loews at Lincoln Square. Bobby and I watched a so-called actor (some frumpy guy who mentioned he’s been on many episodes of Law and Order) hit on a possibly pregnant credit card promoter. I complained my feet hurt. And some girl turned to me at one point and uttered the most ridiculous fact: “I know it’s on accident, but you keep bumping into me.” What does one say to that? It’s a long line for a movie premiere - everyone is bumping into everyone else. I said, “Sorry,” but really, it’s like she said, “I notice that you sometimes sneeze.” And? When I apologized matter-of-factly, she turned around, and Bobby and I laughed. She turned back around, “Is there a problem?” Bobby purred, “Is laughter a problem?” No, and it’s a good thing, because we’re still laughing about this. Bump, bump, bump!
When Bobby and I finally got to the front of the line (after the girl’s hook-nosed boyfriend joined her in line and she pointed me out to him, sheesh) we found an already packed theater. We settled on seats in the center of the seventh row. I put my coat and bag on the seat next to mine and Bobby put his on a seat next to him. An old Hell’s Angel guy with a cane and full leather regalia joined our row, muttering the whole time, “I’m here. I’ll sit right here. Wow, it’s packed.” I tried to fix my bag so that it was hidden under my coat and he so graciously said, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna put my jacket right on top.” He did. And it smelled of smoke, booze, and hookers or something. I moved my bag and coat to Bobby’s side. Bobby and I ignored him in the few minutes we waited for the movie to start.
We watched a soundless preview and then a soundless first four minutes of the movie. Hundreds of people in the theater cried, “Sound! No sound! Where’s the sound?!” Needless to say, there was actually a lot of sound. (It reminded me of when I ask a student to stop talking when he or she has been talking, and the student says, “I’m not talking” - the complete lack of logic boggles the mind. It’s a nesting doll of illogic). Bobby yelled out, “You didn’t pay for this shit - shut up!” He is still so proud of this. There was a group of Upper West Side, performing arts high school students behind us. They tried to out-punchline each other as the movie crew tried to restore the sound and the screen went black. Each retort got more and more unfunny. I thought they were a bit annoying, but still highly tolerable. The Hell’s Angel suddenly turned around and said, “Be ladies and gentlemen and shut the fuck up!” I went into complete hysterics with the accompanying uncontrollable laughter. His statement was just another layer of illogic - a tattooed, motorcycle man so concerned with propriety dropping the f-bomb. Fabulous. The UWS kids o’ privilege nearly crapped their pants, of course. When the Hell’s Angel announced he was getting up to go to the concession stand a few minutes later, he put on his leather cap and sneered at the kids, “I’ll be back after I get a drink, and I expect it to be quiet.” When he left, Bobby let a gay couple take his seats.
Oh yeah, and we saw King Kong. I have ten thoughts for you.
1. There’s a really weak subplot in King Kong regarding a shipworker and some stowaway-cum-shipworker. It was really trite and unnecessary. I think it was created merely so Peter Jackson could stroke his beard and chuckle, “This is the longest King Kong movie ever, bwahahaha!”
2. You will recognize some footage straight out of Jurassic Park.
3. The movie had some interesting cinematography one might not expect from a family action movie. Some shots are more often seen in thrillers with great violence. I found this interesting, but I must admit I haven’t seen a lot of recent Hollywood blockbusters. I might just be behind the times.
4. Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman are completely interchangeable. Watts plays Kong’s love interest and I find her as beautiful and uncompelling as Kidman. They are just so waxy, distant, and unlikable. What’s going on Down Under?
5. There are a few scenes between Kong and Watts (I’ve forgotten her character’s name) that made me conjure up that horrible Chanel commercial where Kidman and some guy with glasses go on a rooftop and fall in love while Kidman says, “I love to DONCE!” I love to watch that commercial end, let me tell ya… Kidman, you have the charisma of a celery stick.
6. The movie is long - wait for your hemorrhoids to clear up before camping out for this one. Whenever the movie got draggy between frantic chase scenes with computer-generated creatures, I mentally directed the premature break-up between Kong and Watts: “Kong, it’s just not working. You’re really big…and an ape…and can’t talk. I don’t want to raise a family on Skull Island. All your other girlfriends’ skeletons are lying around…”
7. You know that saying, “If you love something, let it go”? The message of King Kong is, “If you love something, let it go, but break through chains later, nearly squeeze it to death, and take it to the top of the Empire State building with you.” Love is hard.
8. Watts was stolen from her cabin on the ship at night, so she spends most of the movie in a flimsy, short nightgown and robe set that miraculously keeps the naughty bits covered, despite the fact that she’s hanging upside down, crawling on all fours in the jungle, and having King Kong breathe on her. What if I was kidnapped one night and had to spend a significant amount of time getting chased by King Kong…and dinosaurs…and mutant insects in my Cuddly Johns with the planets on them? King Kong would have let me go so much sooner. In fact, he’d still be alive today.
9. How do we really know King Kong is a he? His butt is gargantuan, but I didn’t see his King Dong. Even a triceratops was clearly a boy, but King Kong is sexless. What does it all mean?
10. Speaking of King Kong ding dong (sorry, I couldn’t resist), there are some strange worm creatures in the jungles of Skull Island that resemble a certain part of an aroused dog. The likeness is so disgustingly familiar, that it’s my favorite part of the movie . Two thumbs up to those penii pests.
And in the end, Bobby was disappointed because Watts and King Kong didn’t get together. Heh.
Ann…. her name was Ann and it was a great great lovestory!