There are so many things I never told you.
My recorded thoughts and experiences in this blog don’t match my personal recollections of each month. This is the case for a few reasons. One, I want to maintain a sense of privacy about certain events and relationships. Two, there are things too difficult to write about, though I know these are the things I ultimately should write about. Three, I’ve been burdened with a label, because I know how some people view my writing. My mom, for example, has abstained from reading my blog, because, “It’s not funny anymore. All you have are pictures.”
What she misses is that nothing was funny to me for awhile. I wasn’t funny. The pictures were really the only thing I wanted to share. They were beautiful when the rest of my thoughts and feelings were ugly. Maybe I’m just temporarily high from being done with my graduate school courses and the fast approaching school holiday, but I suspect I’m seeing the light again after some very dark weeks. I haven’t been happy for awhile, and I’ve felt stuck. While work is manageably stressful, I know it’s not something I want to do the rest of my life. Unfortunately, the only thing I do want to do the rest of my life is breathe. And eat. And read. And take pictures. Does this makes me a settler…or just conscious?
I’ve also been overthinking the job thing. I don’t want to pursue a graduate degree in something I don’t want to do, so I will no longer be taking graduate classes. I didn’t feel challenged by them anyway, well, minus the deadlines and page requirements. If I changed my career, I could expect to start at the bottom of the ladder again with a paycut. This is not appealing obviously. I already feel like I don’t save any money as it is. I don’t have any connections in NYC, with the exception of my boyfriend’s connections. I know they aren’t the only way to break into a new field, but they certainly help. And moving back to Texas, a seemingly easy out, isn’t easy. I couldn’t do it. I’ve met someone I can’t walk away from. If I did, I think my heart would rip open, as would my destiny. Seriously, guys. It’s shameless.
The thoughts storm in my head, leaving my feelings sodden and heavy.
I saw a woman I used to work with on the subway this morning. It was nice seeing a former co-worker at I.S. 666, one of the few I remember who really, truly loved her job. It was grueling, of course, but she made a difference and she was really concerned with her students’ growth. Her heart is so firmly lodged in the right place, it’s almost cheesy. Anyhow, the woman was very supportive of my getting as far away from La Escuela Seis Seis Seis as I could. I told her now there were new battles to fight, in conjunction with some of the old ones. However, I look back at today to this very day a year ago, and I cannot begin to compare them. I am so much happier to be where I am now, and I hope that next year I could maybe, just maybe, say the same thing.
