1. Funny. I feel like a very suspicious person, but I’m actually a goody two-shoes. Every time I walk past those sensors when I leave a store, I think to myself, “Whew! It’s a good thing I’m not trying to shoplift anything… Or am I?
2. When I’m bored and sober, I often break out my address book and start calling people I haven’t spoken to in a long time and stirring up drama. I confess all these previously unspoken emotions and thoughts. Inevitably, the person I’ve called asks, “Amanda, have you been drinking?” I reply, “Sadly, no.”
3. My co-teacher’s grandfather died today. I know it wasn’t her fault, but my first thought was, “Crap! Now I have them all to myself for the next three days!” “Them” being a hundred middle-schoolers slowly losing their minds. Minds of questionable status to begin with. Unfortunately, my school is in an awkward position. It’s not so unstructured that I can give the kids crossword puzzles and crunch on my candy necklace made of Valium, but not so structured that the kids are actually well-behaved. I’m really haggard on single days when I have them to myself, so I’m scared of what I may look like after Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It doesn’t help that lots of teachers are out this time of year, and the school’s normal routine is shot to hell. I have to give myself incentives to get through the days. Here’s what I have so far:
If I get through Wednesday, I get to watch the finale of America’s Next Top Model.
If I get through Thursday, I get to…I get to…call in sick Friday? Crap! I really don’t like this situation.
P.S. I’m a totally selfish, child-hating hag, I know.
4. There are myriad things I don’t get. For instance, why do people think Orlando Bloom is attractive? Why does anyone give a crap about NASA? Wouldn’t beauty being only skin deep, still be pretty deep? Think of the layers and how much time and money so many people put into trying to make their skin clear or tan or less itchy. Why would convenience stores sell cold beer? It enables drinking and driving, doesn’t it? Why are squeamish people and prudes not grossed out when they hold newborn babies that have just been squeezed out of someone’s goopy, elastic Womanhood? Or are they?
