Disturbing finds at Big Lots

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Hello, friends.

I meant to blog back in Texas - agreed, intended, and vowed to. But I didn’t. Instead, I read a lot and thought a lot and looked around a lot.

And speaking of lots, I went to Big Lots. Twice.

I saw Rap Snacks potato chips, but the tent-sized undergarments were out of stock. I bought multiple flavors of Fruitabu organic fruit leather for a steal, knowing that it’s about $6 a box in New York. And two fetching pairs of bronze earrings. I’ll kindly relate any fiery skin infections that may result, but have been donning them since I peeled away all sticky traces of the “$4 genuine bronze” label and remain unscathed.

But let me show you some of the more disturbing things I found on sale at Big Lots.

Exhibit A:
My sister is the perfect person to hold these for the camera, as I recall her downing bags of pork skins when we were kids. I personally prefer to not think about how some of the food I eat used to poop, pee, and frolic happily in the green grass. I also think pork skins look suspiciously like those cinnamon twists from Taco Bell, which I adore.

Exhibit B:
In high school, a friend once suggested I seduce a guy with Easy Cheese. She wasn’t taking into account that I was 1) pristine and gawkward and 2) I cannot bring myself to eat cheese from a can. Not since 1996 anyway. Cheese coming out of a can is kind of like a baby coming out of Nicole Richie’s uterus. There are just too many thoughts of “how,” “why,” and “this cannot be good.” And the fact that it’s cream cheese? Blasphemy. Any self-respecting New Yorker would turn his or her nose up.

Exhibit C:
I think the cosmopolitan mystique of Vienna is supposed to make people forget this is a variety meat full of cow and pig effluvia. But it’s also quite Americanized with all the alternative flavors, like Cajun style. Mmmm! Now the pig’s testicles come with a honey mustard twang! Bon appetit!