Maybe, once upon a time, it was OK, in a movie about the Amazon rain forest, to hear a mellifluous, airy tune being hooted through a quaint little panpipe while soaring over lengths of wild black river and tangled jungle majesty; but when you are in a subway, and some cocksucker in an alpaca pullover is spitting out “My Heart Will Go On” and emoting so hard the veins are sticking out in his neck, it’s enough to make you want to destroy all young trees so that hamburgers and chemicals and cancer can prevail uncontested on the earth.
The book is hysterically searing, but Wilson has a soft spot for the underdog, as long as he or she doesn’t suck. Here’s what she has to say about public figures too rich for their own good:
It is clear that superrich people should be punished, because they didn’t get where they are today without having eaten a live human baby at some point in their career, or put their dick in somebody’s grandma’s earhole. Nobody makes that much money by being Christlike and giving. The Forbes 500 is full of misanthropic scallywags who desperately need a kick in the pants…
Warren Buffett needs to have his head shaved and be forced to be a waterboy for the Pittsburgh Steelers several times a year. The Mars choco-bar family ought to be made personally responsible for the nutrition and good mouth-feel of all inner-city school lunch programs. The Walton Wal-Mart family should give free diapers to any family with an income less than twenty thousand dollars a year. Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud of Saudi Arabia ought to do something nice for those stepped-on Middle Eastern ladies. He ought to build them all a nice lesbian bathhouse. Then maybe they can have some fun.
And certain insufferable celebrities:
I know that I am not alone in the opinion that all of Kathie Lee Gifford’s orifices should be hemmed shut by Filipino immigrants for six dollars, or that Tony Danza somehow requires being sewn inside the body an an uncomfortable chimp costume for the remainder of his adult life.
