I’m really good at beginning relationships - open, adventurous, and unavailable enough to stay interesting.
The problem begins when I start to like the guy. Because people who really like and grow to love each other tend to want to spend time together. Sometimes they want to hear each other’s voices before they drift off to sleep or share the most banal details of their days and feel captivating and supported. Occasionally, they just want to be around with no purpose but to say, “I could do nothing with you all day, and it would be something.”
Over a year into dating TBID, I’m starting to get itchy. Some article I once read talked about how new love is intoxicating, but lovers develop a tolerance over time. That explains those moments when the person who made your heart skip a beat starts raising your blood pressure. You realize your significant other has the potential to be significantly annoying.
“If he says ‘initiative’ in five syllables one more time,” you tell yourself. “I am so outta here.”
Still, TBID rarely annoys me. (We’ll give that a few more months). What does bother me is that I worry that we don’t spend enough time together. Then again, that may be why this relationship is working. Is that a problem?
Do two committed people who live five express stops from each other normally talk everyday? TBID and I don’t always. Because we both have our own creative and professional pursuits outside of our jobs, we often spend one weekend day apart and one together. During the work-week, we’ll generally see each other once.
This wasn’t the case in my previous relationship. Giddy goo-ga in the beginning, the ex-boyfriend and I spent a ridiculous amount of time together. The fall I began tutoring and freelancing, he started to complain that I always seemed distracted and that we didn’t spend as much time together. But my new pursuits thrilled me. The relationship, for various reasons, slowly gathered dust and eventually became something I used to be in.
Alone time is a godsend and a necessity, even more so for me than TBID. Yet I wish I could demarcate what time is his, mine, and ours with ours somehow growing at the same time as our creative output. It’s not balancing the national budget or anything, but it’s hard.
The latest initiative (that’s “initiative” in four syllables) in our relationship is a shared Google calendar and list of stuff to do. This way, neither TBID nor I can ever shrug and resolve that, “Nope. There’s absolutely nothing to do in NYC today.” The list includes boxes for who thought of the idea, where it is, when it is, price, and why on Earth you’d want to do this activity as a couple.
No one has used, “Because we’re dating, so you just have to” in that last box yet, though I’m certainly considering it for this Make Your Own Yarn Animals workshop I heard about.
Events go on the calendar after we’ve officially IMed, emailed, or mentioned them to each other and received a yes.
This new system has been successful so far. The best part is that TBID came up with it - not me, the control freak. No wonder he’s always toward the top of my to-do list.
Love that kind of planning. Don’t worry about what articles or other people say either - everyone’s different. The way you guys are doing this obviously works so if it ain’t broke….
It’s true. For now, it has to be like this, and I’m overall okay with it. I’ve heard of married couples who actually live apart during the week (though in the same city) and live together only during weekends. TBID doesn’t get to put that on the Google calendar ever!