When I was a kid, my dad decided to get a private pilot’s license. It was something he’d always wanted to do. My mom was off the nights he had his class.
Sometimes we’d all pile in the car and my mom, sister, and I would spend those few hours visiting my grandmother in a nearby town while I imagined my dad sat at a squeaky desk in a room that smelled like sawdust.
I was told not to mention to anyone outside our home that my dad was learning how to fly an airplane.
It wasn’t because there’s anything wrong with that. No one was anti-aviation. It was because my dad didn’t want to tell anyone about it until he’d passed all the tests. He wanted to avoid embarrassment if things didn’t go according to plan. Before he went public, his goal needed to pan out.
The experience influenced how I share my own ambitions. Growing up, I was pretty confident about my general abilities. But I kept quiet about anything I did that I was extra invested in. It was the academic version of putting together a meticulous outfit and when complimented, replying, “Oh, this old thing?”
I wasn’t sure other people would see how hard I’d worked. If I assumed they would, and they didn’t, I’d have been devastated. There’s a difference between your best and the best.
As an adult, I still struggle with perfectionism and doubt, though things are much better post-college. I swear, getting that diploma and needing to worry about making enough money to survive packed a huge seratonin boost. Real life is not about the honor roll.
My regrets about college are that I didn’t have enough fun, and that I saw open doors, peeked inside, and walked past. Because my scholarship was only good for four years. Because I had a paper to write. Because what if I tried to start that comic strip and ran out of material in a few weeks?
You can’t live like that.
Now that I’m not trying to be A+ Amanda, I’m a lot happier. It’s still hard to take new steps, but if I don’t do it now, when will I? You can’t wait to outgrow your anxieties.
After wanting to try it for years, I’ve decided to take a stand-up comedy course starting in July. Because my everyday life doesn’t scare me enough. I can’t remember the last time my knees were knocking together.
The course will focus on writing, as well as performing. I’m not sure how I’ll take to bright lighting, a microphone, and a bunch of strangers gawking at me, but I can put words together on paper.
I’m preparing for my class by writing jokes and spending some time each week watching comedy videos. This week, I’ve watched some Kathy Griffin, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Wanda Sykes, and Kathleen Madigan. I’m already very familiar with Margaret Cho, Chris Rock, Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, and Eddie Izzard.
Eventually, I’ll check out some live comedy, too. There’s plenty of it around here. In the meantime, who do you think is funny? Can you recommend some comedians to check out?
It’s a bonus if they don’t pee themselves.
To this day I too struggle with perfectionism, and not wanting people to see my little projects until I have perfected them…sadly more often or not no one sees them.
Exactly.