I’ve only purchased a one-way ticket once in my life. It was my last trip to NYC the summer after I graduated college. That time, I wasn’t flying back home with mere prospects or the cushion of the future. I was moving by staying still.
I recently wrote about my dad leaving me in NYC once and for all, how I cried and stayed in the rest of the night. It felt weird to walk around in a new place knowing I couldn’t possibly bump into anyone or anything I knew.
My first few weeks here involved long trips on foot during the day and nights in with movies from the library. Starting my teaching job opened the city up to me, as did dating. Now I’m either in my apartment writing or sleeping, or I’m out doing everything else I do. This unfamiliar, gray place has been home for nearly four years.
Here’s a question from Leah:
I’m 24, a recent college graduate, stuck in a crappy job, with no other prospects at the moment. I would like to get my Master’s, but am trying to wait a while to see if I am offered a job somewhere else. I want very much to come to NY for school, but am absolutely terrified of making such a big change. I know that it will be hard, but things are so frustrating here, and I feel like it will be such a positive change. My question to you is, how did you decide to just do it? There are so many things that I’m worried about, and those worries just consume me. Did you find making a transition from Texas to NY (I’m from KY) to be easier than you thought? And lastly, how did you tell your parents? Everyone I know is aware of my obsession with NY, but I know how my parents would react to such news.
My response:
I officially decided to move to NYC when I was a freshman in college. It had been a dream since I was a kid. I found a way to move here with a guaranteed job - through Teach for America, which is neither a path I’d necessarily encourage anyone to travel, nor is it a way to definitely get a teaching job in NYC anymore. I was already in a program that would enable me to earn a teaching certificate, as well as a liberal arts degree, so why not? Teaching in an inner-city school for two years would be trying and rewarding, and NYC would present me with opportunities outside teaching that I wouldn’t have elsewhere.
I told my parents, “I’m going to move to NYC and teach after I graduate.” They had a few years to ponder those words, and then one year, it was time. I got accepted by Teach for America my senior year, waited anxiously for placement information, and researched neighborhoods in Manhattan and Brooklyn. I knew I wanted to be in NYC, and I didn’t think about all the things that could possibly go wrong. NYC would make me, because every experience does.
Moving to NYC was the last time I felt so strongly about a goal. Or at least, so strongly about the deadline for a goal. Everything I work toward now has no set date. I can’t pinpoint exactly when my first novel will be published…or started, for that matter. Maybe that’s the beauty and the curse of being autonomous now, of being an adult.
The bottom line is that there’s always a way, if you want it badly enough. Even if your parents are vehemently opposed to a move to NYC, you’re an adult. You sign for yourself and have to answer to any regrets you might have in the future.
Maybe I’m naive, but I can’t see how a parent wouldn’t be supportive if you explained your situation the way you did to me. It’s never too late to be who you might have been where you might have been. But why not start now?
The worst-case scenario is that your parents won’t support your move. Ideally, you won’t need them financially anyway. Emotional support is important. If your parents don’t provide that, it’s a shame. But it’s no reason to give up something you think will make your life better.
My parents were always overprotective. But over the years, I must have done enough to convince them I’d make it on my own. They supported me when I was the first person on either side of my family to go away - a whopping four hours away - to college. I worked in low-performing schools in East Austin in preparation for the mean streets of Harlem. I visited NYC every spring to make sure I could see myself living here.
I mention these steps, because you’re making them, too. As much as your parents may not understand why you want to move to NYC, they’ll feel better if you show them how you’ve prepared for it. Cite how you’ve been self-sufficient and resourceful. Do your research on graduate programs, financial aid, jobs, NYC neighborhoods, moving, etc. and make a plan. A flexible plan is fine, just make sure you have a way to pay your rent and feed yourself. In your case, you probably don’t want to move until you’ve been accepted into a graduate program or have a full-time job.
Please know that I realize that putting this information in one paragraph makes it sound easy. It’s not - been there, blogged about it. The Internet is a great resource, though, for researching your options and relocation strategy. I’m sorry that advice seems so “duh,” but it’s true.
Maybe you can start by looking at this NYC cost of living calculator. Afterward, put your head between your knees and wipe your eyes. Yes, this city is expensive, but I know lots of people who swing it without being smarmy trust fund kids. Craigslist is a giant tree providing such necessary fruits as apartments, affordable furniture, and job leads. And no strings attached hook-ups! (Just kidding, but yes, really).
Know what you want out of the NYC experience. Make sure it’s not something you could get out of a three-week visit. Living here isn’t glamorous. It’s expensive and crowded. People can be pretty damn wretched. This is something your parents will focus on - my dad habitually warned, “You’re moving to a place where nobody loves you.” Assure your parents that you know this. Your desire to move is about walking into a new environment, adapting, and growing.
As for adjusting to life in NYC, I didn’t have the rubbernecking kind of culture shock you see on TV. There were things I had to rethink, especially mundane activities I’d taken for granted. Who knew buying groceries and getting them back to your apartment could be so perilous? My body was in shock from the first few winters here. People can be very cold, too.
There have been miserable days where everything has gone wrong, and I’ve thought to myself, “Anywhere else, this wouldn’t be so bad. Anywhere else, this would be easier.” For a split second, I wonder where I’d be if not in NYC.
There are many more days when I’m walking down the street and I see something that reminds me, “Anywhere else, this wouldn’t be.”
That’s why I’m here.
great advice.
it sounds like leah already knows how to “decide to just do it.” the worries may swing by to try and pick you up but don’t accept the ride. just keep eliminating obstacles and stay the course.
none of the positive moves of my life occur during times of comfort and ease… they all happen when i put myself out there, take risks, and dream big.
good luck to you!
I think one important thing to keep in mind is that while it’s a BIG change, it’s also JUST a move. JUST a plane ride. And it’s JUST money. I don’t mean to oversimplify, because clearly it’s not a simple situation. Though when I was making the decision about London, in order to not stress about it too much, I just reminded myself that while it’s a big deal, at the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I failed, and I can always come back to NY, and I have time to replenish my savings.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I think anyone should move with the thought of an escape hatch, because you’ll hit times where you are unhappy and feeling lost and maybe want the comforts of home. Dig in your heels and stick it out, because life in New York is rewarding. But don’t put too much pressure on it, either. Think of it is a grand experiment.
I would say to Leah, “If you want to move to New York City, then just do it. The Perfect Time to make the Big Move will never arrive.” When I graduated from college I had a wonderful plan. I would work a pointless job just to save some dollars, live at home to save on expenses, and take the bus from Massachusetts to New York City as often as I had to while I interviewed for just the right job. After landing the perfect job, I would then sleep on a couch in a friend’s apartment until I found just the right kind of apartment.
After 9 months of executing this well thought out plan, I realized that it was just not working. (It was 1982, when they say the economy now is the worse in 25 years, it means it was actually worse in the early 1980’s) If I really wanted to be there then I just had to go to New York City and make it work somehow. I gave myself one week to find a job. I found Insurance Claims Customer Service Representative - a job as dull as it sounds. The moment I found the job the friend’s couch was not available. I found a crummy residence hotel that charged by the week. My parents were informed that I was staying with the friend, who lied about where I was every time they telephoned. They were always just missing me.
The day before the big job I took the bus into New York City to start my new life. An outdoor thermometer read 99 degrees while I lugged my bags to the Kenmore Hotel on 23rd Street. In a tiny broiling room I sat on a bed from which I could touch both walls if I extended my arms. It was also the day that my ex-girlfriend from college was getting married and I remember thinking: “If she could see me know, do you think she would have any doubt that she made the right marriage choice.”
Those first weeks were awful, but I did find an apartment, changed jobs within a year, and started transforming myself into a New Yorker. I may not have thought so at the time, but now I don’t regret for a moment making the move. Things may be tough at times and it might be easier to start elsewhere, but the rewards here are also much greater. If you wanted an easy, ordinary life then you wouldn’t want to move here. Follow Amanda’s advice about preparing, don’t arrive naive and penniless, but at some point you just have to take the leap.
leah -
know that it will suck. hard. know that your parents won’t send checks, but will probably still love you anyway. know that you will have on days and off days and that the on will be so much more joyous because you are doing it and making it happen and the off will suck so much harder because this city will eat you alive if you aren’t careful.
thicken your skin, be prepared to grovel for jobs, for cash, for raises, for anything. but don’t ever let someone knuckle you in the back on a long subway ride.
and most importantly, don’t lose your metro card.
good luck honey, if you decide to move, make the decision you aren’t ever going to leave and i promise everything will work out for you.
no fear =)
So glad I found this blog.
I leave for NYC tonight. And I’ll be in the city without my husband (Navy) or Nava (Cat)
at the same time
I’ve wanted to do this since I was 3 years old ( I am an actress) an am happy to finally be GOING
Welcome to NYC, Katie! I hope you’ll stop by from now on. Obviously, there are some really knowledgeable people who read this blog and leave great comments.
To those who left comments: Thank you for enhancing what I wrote! You are very much appreciated.
Well, I’m cheering for you Katie. Young woman comes to New York City to pursue acting career while husband serves country in Navy. How could anyone not root for you? Sure it will be tough to pay a NYC rent and meet expenses while holding a flexible job that allows you to go on countless auditions, but tens of thousands have come before you and figured out a way to do it. Also trying to pay rent and make car payments while working at an Applebee’s in some small East Texas town is probably no walk in the park either. So Good Luck and someone has to be a character actress in all those Law and Order TV shows, why not you?
I’m still in high school and I’m going to graduate next year. It’s always been my dream to go to Rhode Island School of Design and I know I can make it. After that I’m planning to move to NYC, but that will be in a few years.
I live in Canada right now and I’ve been living in the same city ever since I was born. When I even mention moving to Rhode Island next year my parents go crazy. They tell me that when I’m away for even one night they can’t sleep because they are worried if I’m safe. My parents don’t trust the U.S. Because one of their friends son went from Canada to study at a university there alone and while he walking home, he got shot.
I know where they are coming from, but the oppertunities that the school in Rhode Island will give me are better than anything over here. I’m all about art and design and I REALLY want to study at one of the top notch schools, and RISD is what I need. But I don’t know what to do, I know my parents won’t let me move, even though I’m going to live in a dorm. But I still have a year to prove that I can make it alone, its time for me to start to learn how to do things on my own, then maybe that will help.
Any advice? I’m so confused right now, it’s either my parents or my dreams and future career. I know that my career is what matters the most, because I will have to move out someday. But I still feel scared because I will only be 18, moving all alone to another country without a job at first. I will be at such a big crossroad, so please give me some advice, because I need to start making some changes now.
“There are many more days when I’m walking down the street and I see something that reminds me, “Anywhere else, this wouldn’t be.”
That’s why I’m here.”
-Amen!