It’s the beginning of a new decade, a time to think of where we are and where we want to get. It’s also simply the beginning of a new year. This January, we vow to be more accomplished, less fat, or whatever the case may be.
And I’ve coined it the Year of the Ass. Because so far in 2010, I’ve felt like ass.
Life has been one pain in the ass. Actually, many. Many pains on one pale, grumpy ass. Some would say I’m even acting like an ass.
So yeah.
I spent New Year’s Eve kissing on this guy I like who has recently spent some time in developing nations - I dig the ones with cosmopolitan germs. By the time we parted, things were weird between us. I mean, breakup-without-a-relationship weird.
I’m not the sort of person to get too wrapped up in new guys, whether they kiss like they have a Ph.D in Making Out or not. But it’s a new year, and I just felt out of sorts.
Then my throat started to hurt.
The next day, I was good and sick. And confused.
The day after that, my desktop computer died. I think computers should give a little warning, like a gray box that says, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Maybe “Don’t throw out the nearly empty bottle of tile cleaner. You’re gonna want to sip some of it later.”
My life is on that computer. It’s my Big Mac. The backup G4 PowerBook I have is a dated, Maroon 5-listening paperweight.
My dad told me it might be the PRAM battery, which I’d never heard of. I bought one and changed it, amazed at my technological prowess. What’s next - defragging something? Something about that sounds very fun and costume-filled.
The problem wasn’t the PRAM battery. The computer came back on and then “Gotcha, sucker!” Dead again.
This is the first time I cried in 2010. My favorite invention ever had bitten the dust, and I had more mucus in my body than congests the entire student bodies of the schools where I taught. Also, the ones where I applied to teach. Oh yeah, and the schools I’ve attended.
And the guy wasn’t exactly keeping my iPhone warm with thoughtful text messages or emails. He’d given me the bubonic plague and vamoosed.
I had to take my computer tower to TekServe, a computer store specializing in Macs. The tower weighs 60-something pounds, which is a little over half my weight. I had to call a friend to help me get it down the three flights of stairs at my apartment and in and out of a cab. I felt guilty, burdensome, and infectious.
During the schlep, I accidentally deleted all the contacts from my iPhone, which is synced on my desktop. Thus, I also felt alienated and homicidal.
This I did on one of my sick days home from work. In case you’re not aware, those really blow without a nice computer. You just have to lie around sick all day, too gone to read a book, but too present to enjoy whatever syndicated sitcom TBS is playing. I actually watched an episode of Friends, people.
About the computer: I had to pay $140 for TekServe to diagnose it. They told me it had one of three problems. It was either a 1) super expensive problem, 2) a really expensive problem, or 3) a pretty expensive problem.
A few days later, I got the call. A really expensive problem. Congrats. I needed a new video card, which costs as much as a minor orthodontic procedure.
My dad, the early adopter, pushed me to get the latest Mac desktop with all the chrome trimmings and fancy capabilities. It costs as much as a major orthodontic procedure in Appalachia.
It looked like I was buying a new computer until a random act of kindness brought a free video card into my life.
Okay, it’s not that random. I was using Twitter to bitch about my computer woes, and Dana, a co-worker of mine who follows me, IMed to commiserate. He’d had some problems with his own Power Mac G5 and was shocked at how much TekServe said they’d charge for a repair. “Actually, I have a video card I can give you that would probably work,” he said.
Techie kindness, thy name is Dana!
Of course, I’d have to figure out how to install the video card. This from a woman who struggles with raising and lowering mini-blinds.
But I was told there were YouTube videos, and by God, this is exactly how I’m teaching myself to belly dance. Bring it.
To keep the different plot lines of this post going, let me mention that I had a conversation with the guy. It involved me saying, “Obviously, I like you. If nothing pans out romantically, we are so friends. Don’t go away.” He agreed not to, I think.
I took a round of antibiotics and observed the changing colors, patterns, and textures of my phlegm.
On Sunday, I called on my ex-boyfriend Cade to help me get the computer tower back up three flights of stairs to my apartment. Then the video card came in the mail, and TBID helped me install it. I should mention that as soon as I got the video card for the desktop, my PowerBook freaked out and forgot how to pick up a wireless signal.
I’m currently trying to convince a few boyfriends from high school to assist in painting my hallway. It’s the Year of the Ass. I need all the help I can get.
I kid, you guys!
It’s good to be back.
It’s so good to have you back! I recently finished reading your entire blog. It definitely helped pass a lot of time at work! I love the blog. I was actually a bit sad that I finished, because now I must wait for posts.
terryn
for the record i had a snuffy nose and you got the flu and a sore throat. why do you still blame me for getting you sick?
Hey Amanda,
a Mr. Know-it-all told me that the new decade starts 01.01.2011. Smart ass, to pick up your word of the year. Nevertheless, happy 2010 from Germany!
Steffi
Your life just put mine in perspective.
Yours, though a bit more recently taxing and hilarious, calmed me down a bit, so thanks.
However, I have to back-up my old laptop to move the files to my new one, and as I was just let go by the one man I thought would hang for awhile, from your tale of woe, I think a hard-drive crash is imminent.
But hey! Exes! I never knew they were good for things like this!
Hang in there. Just think– if worse comes to worse, you get to push it out a window. Haven’t you always wanted to do that, even just a tiny bit?
XOXO
Ahh, it was nice to get that off my chest.
Hi, Terryn! I’m glad you like the blog. I’ll keep getting you some reading material.
J, you are the only person I was hanging out with who had any cold symptoms. Thus, the blame. Take it. And since you outed yourself, you have to hang out with me more to generate blog fodder.
Steffi, happy 2010!
Carissa, I may have to drop the PowerBook and then walk on it in heels. I’ll make it a vlog if it comes to that.
Gee could that be it? I spent the whole week doubled over after pulling muscles in my lower back, i got to see really clearly startled looks from old tired people that looked like they wished they were dead… it was weird totally freakin’ weird. Hope this means for both of us we are not sick for the rest of the year!
The Secret reader that lives inside of me is SCREAMING at you for writing all of the negative instances down. You’re just begging for more, sister! Then the asshole who lives inside of me shuts up The Secret reader by chuckling at your cute write-up of your mishaps. Then the worrier in me shuts them both up by hoping you’re feeling healthy. Then I get scared by all of the random people in my head.
But really, Happy 2010 and I hope you’re feeling great and enjoying the New Year despite those technical and physical setbacks!
Is that how The Secret works? I thought the universe just gave you the good stuff you mentioned wanting, not more of the crap you’re complaining about. Damn.