Recently, I tried to recall the last time I didn’t have trouble sleeping.
I’ve always needed less sleep than other people, yes. But I mean, when was the last time I was able to get in bed and turn my brain off enough to sleep soundly?
It was June.
Now it’s February.
There’s this other thing that happened, too - something with a time frame I have an even harder time figuring out.
At some point, I started finding it hard to maintain this blog.
I met a reader before the holidays and told him that blogging was about staying regular. “Otherwise, I’m constipated,” I explained. “I’ve got to poop it out.”
So I guess you could say my writing has been on Activia, prune juice, and Ex-Lax so I could keep blogging. I’ve been putting in extra stuff, because I can’t void the things that should come naturally.
And that’s how I started to lose my voice.
Overall, people who read and leave comments on my blog are amazing. I cherish how comforted I’ve been by many readers I’ve never met. It’s a beautiful byproduct of blogging that I never expected.
But I’ve been pulling back, because I’m afraid of people not being so supportive.
I’ve been keeping quiet about stuff going on, because I haven’t figured it out yet myself. What I do know is hard to write and harder to think about certain people reading.
You know my ex-boyfriend reads this, right? And his parents used to, and my parents still do.
Who knows the people who read and never say anything about it? What would they think if I unloaded?
Did you know 98.7% of the time I go on a date with someone, he admits that he’s already read some of my blog?
It makes me feel stifled.
I know I got myself into this situation, and blogging has been too beneficial for me to give up. I’ve met people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I’ve been given writing work. There’s a space on the Internet with more than four years of my life - the peaks and the valleys - sitting on it.
Time to be honest: I’m in a valley.
There’s a lot I need to get off my chest and onto my monitor.
Maybe you can help me through this.
I think you are very brave posting your feelings like you do. A lot of people, myself included, find it hard to really be honest about what we are feeling and really going through. Just remember that we all have peaks and we all have valleys, and even when it feels like we’re all alone, we’re really not. I hope things work themselves out for you!
There will always, always, ALWAYS be a peanut gallery ready to fling things at you for baring your soul. But guess what else? There will always be someone who reads it and says “YES!”, someone who’d inspired, and someone who, on their first date with you, tells you they think it’s really hot that you blog about your, um, regularity.
Don’t ever stop writing just because of the naysayers. Keep writing for the ones who are on your side. You’re talented; there are a lot of people in your cheering section.
I am also in your “cheering section” all the way from Australia. I find your life sooo vastly different from mine and really interesting. I love to hear about the city and how someone survives in the day to day life of it.
I think you are interesting and write really well. I check your blog each day and am excited when a new entry is posted!
Please don’t go away….
would a little beef jerky help start the unloading?
I don’t know how long I have been following you, but I love your style of writing, I love your photo updates of New York. Everything about your blog is different and unique.
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve read your blog from “top to bottom” and just the other day I was thinking “I miss Amanda” AKA I miss your blog.
Keep writing, it’ll come together and you’ll get your mojo back.
Be who you are, write who you are, and anyone who doesn’t like that can find another blog to read.
terryn
I’ve been there. That is one of the reasons why I stopped writing my blog. If it isn’t anonymous, how is it supposed to help me to let off steam? I can’t write about people who pisses me off or loved ones who said something that hurt me, because that would be like telling them to their faces.
In order to have complete freedom, you need complete anonimity. So my only advice is: start another blog but don’t tell anyone about it. If the writing is good, rss-readers will slowly add up. No one will know it’s you.
I’ll be sorry for myself because, of course, I will be among your present readers and we will lose track of you, and if I ever ecounter your new blog by chance, I’ll never know it’s you.
Just a suggestion.
I agree with all of the really awesome comments before mine…also, I just want to say, I think you have a very diverse audience. You are the only blog of your kind that I have in my favorites that I read regularly…most of my regular viewings are of home decor type blogs of women over forty posting pics of the amazing transformations of their most recent thrift store/craigslist find.
I love your blog. You’re so open. To the point. I get you, what you’re trying to say, and how you say it. You’re New York Amanda!! You remind me of my own kids with your raw sense of humor. I can’t tell you how many times I am talking with them, (both college age and both I can see living in NYC at some point in their lives) and I catch myself telling them that New York Amanda said this or that. I even made my son watch one of your videos and told him that when he’s a little older, he should look you up! He’s only eighteen right now…just a baby still, but in a few years, that little age gap won’t matter. Right?
I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting you, but I did get an email from you once, and it meant the world to me that you took the time to be so thoughtful to a complete stranger. I honestly believe reading your blog helped me to get the courage to make my first trip to the big city with my kids and I am now planning my second very soon! (And brave enough to plan this one alone this time)
Seriously, without being too stalkerish, I think of you as a distant friend, just being open and frank. You write so well that I can you hear you talking though it. Filter what you feel you need to but don’t be too fearful of exposing and exploiting….it makes you more real to those of us who don’t know you personally and I’m sure it’s just as refreshing and honest to those who do have the pleasure of knowing you in real life.
Just be yourself. This is your fourm.
~B
Everyone, thank you so so much for your understanding and encouragement. The emails and comments I got were so very needed.
Blogging is hard to keep up, and I’m still feeling overexposed or nervous or a combination of the two, but I do want to share what’s going on.
I just have to figure out where to begin.
amazing blog.
thank god u “poop”..