Say it with toe socks

True story: I once owned toe socks.

Another true story: I’ve been needing to get some anxiety out lately by doing fun things.

One of the things I consider fun is writing the occasional idiot letter, in which I pretend to be a consumer with something very important to say. Like telling Boar’s Head to up and change its logo, because it’s not cute enough. Valid point, I say!

This time I wrote ToeSox, a leading manufacturer of… Can you guess?

Dear ToeSox,

I’m a busy mother of two boys (and two standard poodles) and a full-time hair stylist. The month of May is going to be over before we know it, so I’ve been helping the boys plan for Father’s Day. Their dad (my hubby) is what you might call “the man who has everything.” Each year, the boys try to get him something special he can use. Let’s just say that dad has enough belts, undershirts, and personalized wet wipes.

Adam, my oldest, has heard his dad make many positive comments when he sees our neighbor wearing toe socks. She exercises a lot and is always carrying a yolates mat and wearing flip flops. I guess her feet get cold, so she wears toe socks, but I’m not sure if they’re your brand or not.

My husband is really interested in toe socks and would probably like some of his own. The trouble is that I don’t know if many men wear toe socks. If they do, I’m wondering if I can specialty-order him a dark gray pair to meet his needs. I have to warn you that he’s struggled with foot problems as long as I’ve known him (which’ll be 15 years in June - time flies)!

My husband wears a size 12 shoe, but most of the length of his shoes is there to make room for his toes. They’re technically abnormal, and he’s lucky he only walks with a little bit of a shuffle. His index toes are the longest at about three inches long, but not unusually wide. They look like slender fingers. I should also tell you that the index toes on both feet are hammertoes, so the toes curl and overlap the ring toes, which are about two and three-quarters of an inch long. Also, my husband’s right foot is abnormal another way in that it has a dewclaw. It’s a separate toe-like part on the inside of the right foot. You can find dewclaws on many mammals, including dogs. I’m not sure if you believe in God or not, but it has to do with evolution.

I hope you aren’t too surprised by my husband’s feet. He’s a good man and deserves the happiest Father’s Day in the world. I am hoping you will be willing to help find or make toe socks that will fit his special needs feet. I can get you measurements for each toe, if you can give me a week or two.

Please let me know as soon as possible if you can help make Father’s Day extra special (and cozy!) this year.

Best wishes,

Amanda Green

ToeSox got back to me right away without expressing horror that I married a man with a dog foot. People are so politically correct these days. I’d have asked for a picture.

Dear Amanda,

Thank you for the letter. You and your boys are very thoughtful for thinking of ToeSox for a Father’s Day gift. I am sure he enjoys every gift he gets from you.

I understand that our socks may not fit him. However, we are not set up to do custom design orders at this time. I appreciate your correspondence and inquiry.

Please do not hesitate to call me at [ToeSox headquarters] or email me at [Marketing Director's company email address] if you have additional questions. From all of us at ToeSox, we send our happiest Father’s Day wishes to Mr. Green.

Kindest regards,

[Marketing Director of ToeSox]

Wow. Hear that, boys? No toe socks for dad.

I guess we’re back to personalized wet wipes.

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