If MacGyver had tampons


I think it’s high time that we stopped using the word “pussy” as a pejorative.

We use it to describe someone who’s cowardly or weak. I’m not an athlete or anything, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more hardcore than being able to push a seven-pound, 20-inch human being out of your soft parts. And that’s if the baby’s average-sized. Some people squeeze 10-pound infants out. Even crazier: They go on to have sex and get pregnant again.

How is this not as respected as completing the Ironman triathlon? I think it’s just as insane, err, arduous and incredible and I-don’t-ever-wanna-do-that-please-don’t-make-me-do-that.

I’m never going to bring home an Ironclam trophy. I’m just trying to find a nice guy to have a schnauzer with. That’s right, no kids for me. And someday when I have a lot of time, I’m going to blog about how this desire (decision? predilection?) has affected my dating life. Did you know that almost everyone worth dating wants children? And some people who agree with me on the not-having-a-child thing just want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and ditch monogamy altogether?

But I want a life partner. I just don’t want to reproduce with him.

Anyway. We were talking about vaginas and how amazing they are, whether they bring forth life or just, you know, other fluids. There’s this line: “Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” I don’t remember where I first heard it, but I’ve been trying to trace its origins. Did it really come from South Park or some t-shirt sold at Hot Topic?

Because it’s an interesting observation…and kind of bad-ass. After puberty, women spend decades bleeding every month. They bleed and they go to work. They bleed and they pursue hobbies. They bleed and they build lives that involve caring for other people. They bleed and they swim and dance and practice archery, if you believe the tampon commercials.

And there’s nothing “pussy” about tampons, either.

This is a tampon dressing a wound.


This is a tampon getting ready to come on baby, light your fire.


This is a tampon serving as blow dart fletching. (Why does that sound so dirty?)


The movie Castaway would’ve been a hell of a lot shorter if Tom Hanks’ character had some tampons with him. Or remember that book Hatchet by Gary Paulsen? If the protagonist had been a teenage girl who’d had her first period and eschewed pads, the tampons would’ve been a game changer. The book would be called Tampon. (And it would be banned in public schools throughout the South.)

Gloria Steinem wrote a famous essay called “If Men Could Menstruate.” I wonder what life would be like if MacGyver had tampons.

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  1. Amanda says:

    I’m glad you’re back!

  2. Yes, yes..and YES! The reason “pussy” is considered weak is because men are the ones who use that term and they do it because they’re threatened. And yet look at how they pursue it!! It just goes to show how confused they are as a gender. I read that Steinem piece years ago and totally agree. Thanks for writing this.

  3. Destiny says:

    YES. I know I’m not the only lady that doesn’t want kids, but living in the suburbs in my mid-twenties has taught me to just never bring up the subject. Apparently everyone else just knows that me and my boyfriend would be awesome parents. Somehow this means we SHOULD be parents?


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