I wrote down all my reasons for not blogging. Paragraphs of them. The reasons had reasons I couldn’t go into. But good news: I was going to blog again. I missed it, I said. This happened a few times. Don’t tell me how many. I think it was three? Let’s say it was three.
But I didn’t miss blogging enough. Or maybe I’m a tease. Someone even suggested I’m over it, but I haven’t found my next adventure. I’m refusing to break up with this blog until something cuter that doesn’t know all my stories comes along.
This could all be true.
I might not have come back here at all, if it weren’t for the boner pirates. And yes, that’s the technical term.
A few people emailed me awhile back to say that when they clicked on links to my blog, they were directed to websites peddling erectile dysfunction treatments. The affordable, effective, illegal kind. While I have no problem being associated with erections or bargains — I mean, this is America — I couldn’t let the boner pirates win. This blog is about not knowing what you’re doing with your life and breaking up with people and changing jobs and making things up as you go along.
You know, dysfunction beyond the erectile.
So I had to call my webmaster-type and explain I’d somehow been hacked. Plus I hadn’t seen a dollar for all the black market Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis I was peddling. Not fair. Wait ’til that Nigerian prince I’m assisting hears about this.
The webmaster-type asked when I first noticed the problem. “Well, I didn’t,” I said. “Other people did.” So I have no idea how long my blog linked to erectile dysfunction drugs. Maybe a few weeks? Months?
It’s like someone walking into your junk-filled apartment and exclaiming, “The burglars trashed this place!” And you’re like, “Someone took my collection of pizza boxes from 2009-2012?! Not cool.”
If you’re here now because you’re looking to enhance your boner, I’m sorry. I think I have to start blogging again.