Vernon is taking his practice state math test beside me. I’ve been sitting by him for an hour, reading each question and answer choice. While he works on a problem, I lean back in my chair and crack my knuckles.
Posts under ‘Conserved Conversations’
Them other boys don’t know how to act
Student: [singing and dancing in his best Justin Timberlake imitation] “Go ahead, be gone with it. VIP. Go ahead, be gone with it. Drinks on me…”
I love this neighborhood
Me: I was waiting for you near the subway entrance, and I saw that lady that always hangs out over there and asks, “Can you help me get something to eat?” all up in your face. She was standing there and asking people for money. Then this guy in a leisure suit - brown pants and jacket and a turquoise shirt - exited the station. She asked him, and he just smiled and shrugged. He started to laugh and then the lady started to laugh, but kept asking, “Can you help me get something to eat?! Can you?! Help me?!” She was just hysterical. Then I started to laugh. It was like we’d all just realized how absurd life is.
The art of the shart
Him: Everyone has sharted.
Me: I don’t shart!
Him: See, a guy will tell you he sharts, but a woman wouldn’t…unless she was at gunpoint. [Dramatic pause]. Maybe not even then…
When bad reception is great
I had this conversation with my mom today.
Me: Yeah, Cade and I are going to Zabar’s later.
Death did them part
Angel: [looking at a framed paper called "Mary McLeod Bethune, A Great African-American Leader" on Mr. C's desk] Hey, Mr. C, is this your wife?!
He was out sick the day they taught empathy
Him: [pointing at billboard] I want to see that.
Me: What?
Him: That. The Last Stand. It’s the last X-Men movie.
The things they say back home
On hearing that my friend Nick, whom I’m buying steer horns for, foolishly asked me to bubblewrap them and take them on the plane home as a piece of carry-on/carrion luggage.
The Dyeds of March
Cade shook his head when I wrote this down. Am I the only one who can appreciate a good “Julius Caesar” joke? Methinks not.
Today’s lesson: Cheese is not a vegetable
Student (a seventh-grader): I wouldn’t eat vegetarian pizza - all it has is crust, sauce, and vegetables.
