Posts under ‘Conserved Conversations’

I love this neighborhood

Me: I was waiting for you near the subway entrance, and I saw that lady that always hangs out over there and asks, “Can you help me get something to eat?” all up in your face. She was standing there and asking people for money. Then this guy in a leisure suit – brown pants and jacket and a turquoise shirt – exited the station. She asked him, and he just smiled and shrugged. He started to laugh and then the lady started to laugh, but kept asking, “Can you help me get something to eat?! Can you?! Help me?!” She was just hysterical. Then I started to laugh. It was like we’d all just realized how absurd life is.

I love this neighborhood

The art of the shart

Him: Everyone has sharted.

Me: I don’t shart!

Him: See, a guy will tell you he sharts, but a woman wouldn’t…unless she was at gunpoint. [Dramatic pause]. Maybe not even then…

The art of the shart

When bad reception is great

I had this conversation with my mom today.

Me: Yeah, Cade and I are going to Zabar’s later.

When bad reception is great

Death did them part

Angel: [looking at a framed paper called "Mary McLeod Bethune, A Great African-American Leader" on Mr. C's desk] Hey, Mr. C, is this your wife?!

Death did them part

He was out sick the day they taught empathy

Him: [pointing at billboard] I want to see that.

Me: What?

Him: That. The Last Stand. It’s the last X-Men movie.

He was out sick the day they taught empathy

The things they say back home

On hearing that my friend Nick, whom I’m buying steer horns for, foolishly asked me to bubblewrap them and take them on the plane home as a piece of carry-on/carrion luggage.

The things they say back home

The Dyeds of March

Cade shook his head when I wrote this down. Am I the only one who can appreciate a good “Julius Caesar” joke? Methinks not.

The Dyeds of March

Today’s lesson: Cheese is not a vegetable

Student (a seventh-grader): I wouldn’t eat vegetarian pizza – all it has is crust, sauce, and vegetables.

Today’s lesson: Cheese is not a vegetable

My second favorite hobby

Me: So I’ve publicly vomited in every city I’ve been in.

Cade: Oh, really?

Me: Yeah.

Cade: Is this a personal mission, like, “Yeah, right after high school I went on a road trip across the country. Just me, my car, and a lot of paper towels…”?

My second favorite hobby

Talking shop and smack

Me: You met the school nurse?
Bobby: Yeah.
Me: I’ve never seen her. What’s she like?
Bobby: I think the only thing she’s been nursing is a forty ounce.
Me: Oh…niiiiice.

Talking shop and smack