Me: So I’ve publicly vomited in every city I’ve been in.
Cade: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah.
Cade: Is this a personal mission, like, “Yeah, right after high school I went on a road trip across the country. Just me, my car, and a lot of paper towels…”?
Posts under ‘Conserved Conversations’
Talking shop and smack
Me: You met the school nurse?
Bobby: Yeah.
Me: I’ve never seen her. What’s she like?
Bobby: I think the only thing she’s been nursing is a forty ounce.
Me: Oh…niiiiice.
Ain’t no place for that Berenstein Bear shit here
Bertram, the new permanent substitute at I.S. 666: You know, I have the reading virus. I’m hoping to infect these kids with that virus. Yes siree, I’ll give them a dose of that!
An after birth
Me: Can you imagine if our bodies only worked in a different way, and the neurons and circuitry in our brains only allowed us to speak about something after doing it?
She doesn’t frequent the Ding-Dong
Kathy (the seventy-something woman who is the primary renter of my apartment): There’s this other bar around here called the Ding-Dong Bar.
It’s even funnier when they try to teach me the elaborate handshakes
Student: Ms. [my last name] looks all pimped out today.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Student: You all pimped out with those boots and that bling bling (pointing to my shirt).
Come fill me again
Me: I love listening to ironic music selections on my ipod while walking to school [from the subway] in the morning.
The Speds are coming
The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch and beginning of seventh period.
Karen: Aww, man! Now it’s time for my Speds to come.
Me: So Paul Revere. “The [Speds] are coming! The [Speds] are coming!”
Karen: And I have nothing planned! What should we do?
Me: Ummm…
Karen: Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I could tell them to color a rectangle and it would take forty-five minutes.
