Bertram, the new permanent substitute at I.S. 666: You know, I have the reading virus. I’m hoping to infect these kids with that virus. Yes siree, I’ll give them a dose of that!
Posts under ‘Conserved Conversations’
An after birth
Me: Can you imagine if our bodies only worked in a different way, and the neurons and circuitry in our brains only allowed us to speak about something after doing it?
She doesn’t frequent the Ding-Dong
Kathy (the seventy-something woman who is the primary renter of my apartment): There’s this other bar around here called the Ding-Dong Bar.
It’s even funnier when they try to teach me the elaborate handshakes
Student: Ms. [my last name] looks all pimped out today.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Student: You all pimped out with those boots and that bling bling (pointing to my shirt).
Come fill me again
Me: I love listening to ironic music selections on my ipod while walking to school [from the subway] in the morning.
The Speds are coming
The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch and beginning of seventh period.
Karen: Aww, man! Now it’s time for my Speds to come.
Me: So Paul Revere. “The [Speds] are coming! The [Speds] are coming!”
Karen: And I have nothing planned! What should we do?
Me: Ummm…
Karen: Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I could tell them to color a rectangle and it would take forty-five minutes.
You can’t even spell “playa”
Me: Omarr, please get back in your seat. You were working well earlier. I know you can do better than this.
Omarr: [locking eyes with me and smiling flirtatiously] Miss, you’re too nice to me. You never get mad. You don’t yell at me.
Me: I don’t feel I should have to yell at you to get you to behave, especially when you know how you should act at school.
Omarr: But I want you to slap me around sometime.
Whinette
“Stand By Your Man”? Forget it.
