Yeah, so I don’t know if I even need to comment.
But if anyone was ever typecast as the slightly off guy someone will settle for who represents the webmail provider someone will settle for, I guess this is the shining example.
Posts under ‘Snark’
Google, I got you
I love when Google changes its logo for holidays.
Like this from Father’s Day:
Pretty unreadable, but it’s Google! You know how they do! And people always give ties for Father’s Day! Get it?
Sex and the City: __________ for women
Last night I saw Sex and the City 2. I’m telling you this, because carrying the shame in silence cannot be good. I want you to all know that this is a safe space, and you’re free to admit that you saw the movie, too. No questions asked. I’m just glad you’re here now.
But if you really do want to know, it wasn’t my intention to see Carrie Bradshaw: The Haunting. The person I went to the movies with is a guy who lives in a world 15 minutes slower than mine. He has to be broken of this, and I knew just what might do it.
I read a review of Sex and the City 2 awhile back that basically said, “Yeah, it’s a terrible romantic comedy. But it’s a pretty good work of science fiction!” I kept toying with a mad lib train of thought as I watched. “Sex and the City is like __________ for women,” I thought.
Say it with toe socks
True story: I once owned toe socks.
Another true story: I’ve been needing to get some anxiety out lately by doing fun things.
One of the things I consider fun is writing the occasional idiot letter, in which I pretend to be a consumer with something very important to say. Like telling Boar’s Head to up and change its logo, because it’s not cute enough. Valid point, I say!
This time I wrote ToeSox, a leading manufacturer of… Can you guess?
Not getting a new clue
I’ve mentioned a few times that I have trouble sleeping, right?
It’s not that I go days without sleeping and become a shell of a human being.
I go days without sleeping well and become a shell of a human being.
There’s a difference.
Braced for the barrage of chain emails
I see this ad every time I log in to my Yahoo! email account.
I know the face that boy’s making.
These hos be all up in my Twitter
Technological innovation is led by porn. Anyone who knows anything about the Internet will tell you this.
Those barely legal schoolgirls who ride the guy who drives the short bus are early adopters.
The skanks were the first to get an iPhone back when it was really expensive, and no one could get over the touchscreen. Trust.
So of course random porn followers are on Twitter. Sometimes they have regular names and then you look at their accounts and dude, the avatar is a vulva.
Kicking the habit
With Thanksgiving a few grocery store fisticuffs away, I’ve been daydreaming of cranberry sauce. The real stuff. Not that gelatinous, cylindrical mass with the can indentations.
I try to convert the unenlightened. This year, I’ve started with my friend Nate. He likes canned fruit. Really likes it.
But hey, admitting it is the first step to recovery.
Breast friends forever with Kush Support
My friend Jeremy is obsessed with terrible As Seen on TV merchandise, like the long-handled toilet paper holder designed for big people. It’s basically one of those claw devices for grabbing things off high shelves, except for your anus.
Last night, he emailed me a new product. The subject line was “I want to meet the women that need this.” Check it out:
When you care too much to send a Hallmark card
Last year, TBID and I had birthdays (in the same week, mind you) mere months after we’d met. When his rolled around, I was in the process of moving from one side of Central Park to another. TBID had dinner with his family to celebrate the big day and then came over to my cardboard box-infested studio. There were no presents, just presence. He held me and said he had everything he needed.
Romantic, yes. But that doesn’t fly when you’ve been dating over a year and aren’t busy packing all your worldly possessions or fighting a devastating case of rickets or finishing a dissertation. This year I needed to have presents the day of.
